dear phoenix,

hi, i'm not in the city enough to read your publication regularly and up until a 2 days ago i didn't even know who Kim Kelly was. but i can assure you it is time to fire her and hire me in her place. now here are a couple reasons why

1 merit. 0. i have no integrity, if you tell me to overpraise a band i will. if you want me to pretend the black keys are good i will. if you want me to say that some local band is better than they are because they are playing a show being promoted by the phoenix i will. you need me to go out of my way to attack a band because they turned down your interview? perfect! let me at 'em. I'll say anyone from Thom Yorke to Josh Homme is a over the hill hack that no one wants to hear from anymore. There's nothing i won't say for a check. i unequivocally am a spineless shill.

2 wanting. like everyone over the age of 15 who actually has friends i am thoroughly over qualified to write metal reviews. i just am willing to do so because i won't climb the ladder to write for anything i genuinely care about. so why not have me at a reduced pace writing about remedial boring tedious things like boring who gives a shit metal? whatever pittance you were throwing that blowhard you can keep. i just want free things. (not your publication) i only really want to use this as a stepping stone to get a job in something i don't hate. which at this point is dry humping and hockey. if you can get me into shows for free that would be great considering i never would go, and would only use that as a way to impress girls with chest pieces who are obviously going to suck my dick in the parking lot after i just get sweaty enough at the show for that to be the act of a truly desperate woman.

3 superiority to the incumbent. i won't name drop, i won't even associate. i don't want to meet metal bands or be friends with them. you'll never hear the guy from Crowbar's take on Kylesa because i don't give a shit about either band enough to seek an outside resource. i find the idea of meeting bands to be repugnant and in all honesty i would hold knowing a band against them and further attack them for it. As for me, I'm not a well spoken metal head who just lucked out by not being a complete dullard, i actually am much better than that. i had friends in high school and i have no idea what its like to have to go through a conversation with someone who "just doesn't get it" because I'm widely accepted amongst my peers. I remain adored this day and i will never roll my eyes and sigh when people ask me if i like metal because i already told them that tool sucks and they've already started secretly hating me.


4 aesthetics No doubt like many online websites you over-hired women staff writers and now you look ridiculous having nothing but broads be all catty in your office towards each other. of course everyone would like a woman's opinion from time to time until you realize all they are is a set of stupid tits and a pile of useless opinions based on emotional whims. hire me. I'm a white male age 25-45 all my people do is consume and we rarely are heard from in an online forum! i don't have the boring inferiority chip on my shoulder and I'll never accuse any fan group of misogyny. Seriously why did you hire her? Was she a suicide girl or something? Every stupid metal girl has a tumblr and a blog already so lets just let her hem and haw from her boring perch that no one should acknowledge because she is just another boring blogger where as i eclipse that so easily its not even worth stating how.

5 taste. I'm not even sure i like metal anymore. so what better way to look back on a failed genre full of social cripples and neverbeens than as a former caretaker? it'd be like the Narrative life of Frederick Douglass except with an interesting plot and an author the reader can care about! I'd much rather put music down than praise it. which review are you going to read. the one that gave the band an 8 or the one that gave the band a 2? in a world of deafeningly feint praise i am your chainsaw of reason. i'm so fucking over metal its ridiculous. i've even started to back log things. like did you know sleep sucked? yes! it turns out the only reason people said they liked it was because other people said they did. meanwhile its a 48 minute high on fire song, and high on fire suck too!

6 buzz. you think kim kelly's girlfriend metal diatribe got feedback? wait til i give my first mastodon or converge review!


those are 6 glowing reasons why I'm superior to this fop, i expect an email from you by the end of the weekend discussing salary because I was kidding and I'd never do this job for free.
Congratulations on finding the needle in the needle stack full of slightly duller needles.

also note: if hired i will start to capitalize and pay attention to punctuation