metal.

ok yeah
i've lacked in metal recently and its partially my fault for not being 14 anymore and its partially metal's fault for being stalled in shit since 2003.
anyways

i'm going to pretend its not a dead genre and post at least 6 metal posts in a row. which isn't that impressive when you think about it, but look on the bright side, you get to see me type "kind of like (insert either neurosis, sabbath or electric wizard here) but" at least 6 times. and its always funny trying to differentiate between bands and what not

but first i will make it easy and just post a band that completely ripped off electric wizard. I liked that one album by ew, but i didn't like it enough to start a band and play cover songs, but thats me.

So anyways I'm gonna make up a back story of this band because I don't actually approach giving enough of a shit to really look it up. Straight out of North-Central Missouri The Lords of Doubt grew up the sons of rich dairy farmers, bored of the teet as all men eventually become they started watching the foodnetwork marathons on repeat, in doing so got caught up in cupcakes and the competition there in. starting a cupcake tumblr called "cup my balls" they eventually were sewn into the cup cake counter culture or "cccc" and some say single handedly help spearhead at least 4 internet memes that were GIGANTIC in the individual sized desert based scene.




Contacted by a fat former rockerbilly woman with an overbite that has 2-300 facebook pictures of her over saturated smoking on the top of her uncles "roadster" (88' cutlas supreme) Dent, the drummer of the group slowly fell into stoner metal, her second favorite love after checking in at tattoo parlors on foursquare. After a month his relationship with Rosie the XXL Riveter fell apart, but not Dent's thirst to drink from the metal chalice. Dent used his charisma to charm his friends into thinking metal wasn't embarrassing and even persuaded them to invest in instruments. Met with reasonable questions Dent went undaunted by his love. And marched on.

"vintage 1960s equipment?"
"nah fuck that, lets just tune the shit in the studio with protools" Dent said.

"what about the fact we have no talent?"
"we'll just play slow enough so we don't sound like assholes, its ok we'll fit right in"

"album art is hard to do, should we spend some money on it and try and get something that isn't redundant and well traveled for our genre of music, maybe try one thing different since our music sure as tits isn't?"
"nah fuck that lets just have your kid brother trace the witch cult idea font and we can use a spirit caravan album cover...just add snakes or tits or whatever"

"isn't this kind of counter productive to music itself? won't people be sick of us?"
"theres a whole nation of rich kids paying good money to try and look scummy, i'll be damned if we won't go try and sell them merch"


Dent had an answer for everything, except "why" or "please don't we have too many as it is do you have any decency?"


anyways like everyone who likes stoner metal Dent is a fucking chode. Lying to his bandmates he says things he could never prove. "corrupted was really good dude, I listen to all their mp3s and I'm even bidding on some of their records on ebay"

"dopesmoker is a totally great song and is completely rewarding to get all the way through, 30 minutes in theres this sick part that everyone should hear"

"high on fire on the jagermeister tour? thats pretty fucking cool"

"wino's solo and acoustic work is definitely worth a listen"

So here it is. Heres what Dent fucking made.

lord of doubts

anyways dent emailed his albums demo around and here it is. if you like a lot of electric wizard or a little st vitus you'll probably be sick of this by the time you listen to it. see if you can pick the parts that are influenced by e.w. and the parts that are completely lifted from them.

dear phoenix,

hi, i'm not in the city enough to read your publication regularly and up until a 2 days ago i didn't even know who Kim Kelly was. but i can assure you it is time to fire her and hire me in her place. now here are a couple reasons why

1 merit. 0. i have no integrity, if you tell me to overpraise a band i will. if you want me to pretend the black keys are good i will. if you want me to say that some local band is better than they are because they are playing a show being promoted by the phoenix i will. you need me to go out of my way to attack a band because they turned down your interview? perfect! let me at 'em. I'll say anyone from Thom Yorke to Josh Homme is a over the hill hack that no one wants to hear from anymore. There's nothing i won't say for a check. i unequivocally am a spineless shill.

2 wanting. like everyone over the age of 15 who actually has friends i am thoroughly over qualified to write metal reviews. i just am willing to do so because i won't climb the ladder to write for anything i genuinely care about. so why not have me at a reduced pace writing about remedial boring tedious things like boring who gives a shit metal? whatever pittance you were throwing that blowhard you can keep. i just want free things. (not your publication) i only really want to use this as a stepping stone to get a job in something i don't hate. which at this point is dry humping and hockey. if you can get me into shows for free that would be great considering i never would go, and would only use that as a way to impress girls with chest pieces who are obviously going to suck my dick in the parking lot after i just get sweaty enough at the show for that to be the act of a truly desperate woman.

3 superiority to the incumbent. i won't name drop, i won't even associate. i don't want to meet metal bands or be friends with them. you'll never hear the guy from Crowbar's take on Kylesa because i don't give a shit about either band enough to seek an outside resource. i find the idea of meeting bands to be repugnant and in all honesty i would hold knowing a band against them and further attack them for it. As for me, I'm not a well spoken metal head who just lucked out by not being a complete dullard, i actually am much better than that. i had friends in high school and i have no idea what its like to have to go through a conversation with someone who "just doesn't get it" because I'm widely accepted amongst my peers. I remain adored this day and i will never roll my eyes and sigh when people ask me if i like metal because i already told them that tool sucks and they've already started secretly hating me.


4 aesthetics No doubt like many online websites you over-hired women staff writers and now you look ridiculous having nothing but broads be all catty in your office towards each other. of course everyone would like a woman's opinion from time to time until you realize all they are is a set of stupid tits and a pile of useless opinions based on emotional whims. hire me. I'm a white male age 25-45 all my people do is consume and we rarely are heard from in an online forum! i don't have the boring inferiority chip on my shoulder and I'll never accuse any fan group of misogyny. Seriously why did you hire her? Was she a suicide girl or something? Every stupid metal girl has a tumblr and a blog already so lets just let her hem and haw from her boring perch that no one should acknowledge because she is just another boring blogger where as i eclipse that so easily its not even worth stating how.

5 taste. I'm not even sure i like metal anymore. so what better way to look back on a failed genre full of social cripples and neverbeens than as a former caretaker? it'd be like the Narrative life of Frederick Douglass except with an interesting plot and an author the reader can care about! I'd much rather put music down than praise it. which review are you going to read. the one that gave the band an 8 or the one that gave the band a 2? in a world of deafeningly feint praise i am your chainsaw of reason. i'm so fucking over metal its ridiculous. i've even started to back log things. like did you know sleep sucked? yes! it turns out the only reason people said they liked it was because other people said they did. meanwhile its a 48 minute high on fire song, and high on fire suck too!

6 buzz. you think kim kelly's girlfriend metal diatribe got feedback? wait til i give my first mastodon or converge review!


those are 6 glowing reasons why I'm superior to this fop, i expect an email from you by the end of the weekend discussing salary because I was kidding and I'd never do this job for free.
Congratulations on finding the needle in the needle stack full of slightly duller needles.

also note: if hired i will start to capitalize and pay attention to punctuation

omega massive boners.

so...

i 100% had an album by this band downloaded

i think godfather really liked them

i 100% never listened to said album and ended up deleting the album and likely denouncing them as a band

now there are a million of these reviews by hacks like me listing a band as "meh" just because they didn't catch me in the chance i can't really guarantee i even gave them. i just deleted an album off my computer i absolutely never even listened to. so sorry kurt vile. eat your own fuck with your cartoon character/90s wrestler name.

now comes the second part of the review that most people make the first part and i often leave out. discussing the band. sludge metal in 2011. i kind of already am blacking out with the overwhelming panic of having to sit through a ghost brigade or ocean album again but whatever. here goes nothing

*presses play*

6 tracks...here we jesus ponyfucking christ
ok i'm just gonna skip this.
i'm not ready to listen to sludge again and take it seriously. the last neurosis album was just too unintentionally hilarious for me to not shit all over this genre. some time i like to pull my wallet out really quickly out of my back pocket like its a gun to scare the shit out of the store clerk.

/loljoke


i'm sure this album has some solid riffs and really great lyrics(going back now to fix this, turns out the band doesn't have a singer or any lyrics so thats one less thing i get to make fun of) about god knows whatever a sludge metal band writes about in 2011. probably fishing. ok i'm 2 minutes into the first track and maybe i'm just a novice but this sounds exactly like celestial. i'm sure someone who knows music will tell me i'm wrong like when i said muse sounds too much like radiohead to be considered its own band. but i've been wrong before so lets just add this to the goodheavens this is a long feedback pause in the music when theres still 4 minutes left in the opening track. i guess they didn't wanna grab their audience right off the bat by having them hear something they haven't heard 30 times already. but i've yet to sell one album putting me at least 400 behind this band. so what do i know. i typed the entire last two semi paragraphs in the time its taken to get half way through one song and i honestly don't know what to say about this. its slow now. going to be fast again before the song ends i'm sure. not sure why we had to do it like this.

ok skipping to track 2. song is called wolfe except with two dots over the o. which i'd mock them if they weren't european and allowed to use accents in words and not have it be disgustingly pretentious. this should've been the opening track. its incredibly driven? holy pitchfork review. ignore what i just said. this song doesn't make me look at the counter to see how much time is left and doesn't sound like a song done by neurosis and then 30 neurosis copy cat acts afterwards. not that i'm saying neurosis is the be all end all of sludge i just don't give a shit who is outside of them.

i've done this joke before but can we call track 3 requiem for track 2? i skipped ahead and the repetitive atmospheric back noise fades out at exactly 3 minutes 17 seconds in. the perfect amount of time. most bands could accomplish something people would be excited to hear in 3:17 but these guys were like "lets just have them sit through that like a prerequisite to even hear our song" in similar time the rolling stones were able to record "the midnight rambler" so i guess these guys win. they raised the stones 7 minutes and recorded "ursus arctos"

track 4 is called im karst. which i hope is "I'm Karst" because to me thats just fucking hysterical. but i bet its german for something and honestly i'm more bored to look up the translation of that than i am to listen to this song slowly begin to think about starting 2 minutes in junnnnjunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

welp i'm skipping the final 2 songs. and it sucks because i'm cutting out 14+ minutes of effort that these guys spent months listening to. i am slowly understanding now why i stopped listening to sludge and stopped going to sludge blogs. i looked up a review on this band and found this

"Who doesn't know Omega Massif? The band was created in 2006 and they quickly seized the attention and interest of listeners only with two records, their demo "Kalt" and their full length "Geisterstadt", both recordings sounds dope"

so yeah i guess sludge blogs are doing just fine with out me.