omega massive boners.

so...

i 100% had an album by this band downloaded

i think godfather really liked them

i 100% never listened to said album and ended up deleting the album and likely denouncing them as a band

now there are a million of these reviews by hacks like me listing a band as "meh" just because they didn't catch me in the chance i can't really guarantee i even gave them. i just deleted an album off my computer i absolutely never even listened to. so sorry kurt vile. eat your own fuck with your cartoon character/90s wrestler name.

now comes the second part of the review that most people make the first part and i often leave out. discussing the band. sludge metal in 2011. i kind of already am blacking out with the overwhelming panic of having to sit through a ghost brigade or ocean album again but whatever. here goes nothing

*presses play*

6 tracks...here we jesus ponyfucking christ
ok i'm just gonna skip this.
i'm not ready to listen to sludge again and take it seriously. the last neurosis album was just too unintentionally hilarious for me to not shit all over this genre. some time i like to pull my wallet out really quickly out of my back pocket like its a gun to scare the shit out of the store clerk.

/loljoke


i'm sure this album has some solid riffs and really great lyrics(going back now to fix this, turns out the band doesn't have a singer or any lyrics so thats one less thing i get to make fun of) about god knows whatever a sludge metal band writes about in 2011. probably fishing. ok i'm 2 minutes into the first track and maybe i'm just a novice but this sounds exactly like celestial. i'm sure someone who knows music will tell me i'm wrong like when i said muse sounds too much like radiohead to be considered its own band. but i've been wrong before so lets just add this to the goodheavens this is a long feedback pause in the music when theres still 4 minutes left in the opening track. i guess they didn't wanna grab their audience right off the bat by having them hear something they haven't heard 30 times already. but i've yet to sell one album putting me at least 400 behind this band. so what do i know. i typed the entire last two semi paragraphs in the time its taken to get half way through one song and i honestly don't know what to say about this. its slow now. going to be fast again before the song ends i'm sure. not sure why we had to do it like this.

ok skipping to track 2. song is called wolfe except with two dots over the o. which i'd mock them if they weren't european and allowed to use accents in words and not have it be disgustingly pretentious. this should've been the opening track. its incredibly driven? holy pitchfork review. ignore what i just said. this song doesn't make me look at the counter to see how much time is left and doesn't sound like a song done by neurosis and then 30 neurosis copy cat acts afterwards. not that i'm saying neurosis is the be all end all of sludge i just don't give a shit who is outside of them.

i've done this joke before but can we call track 3 requiem for track 2? i skipped ahead and the repetitive atmospheric back noise fades out at exactly 3 minutes 17 seconds in. the perfect amount of time. most bands could accomplish something people would be excited to hear in 3:17 but these guys were like "lets just have them sit through that like a prerequisite to even hear our song" in similar time the rolling stones were able to record "the midnight rambler" so i guess these guys win. they raised the stones 7 minutes and recorded "ursus arctos"

track 4 is called im karst. which i hope is "I'm Karst" because to me thats just fucking hysterical. but i bet its german for something and honestly i'm more bored to look up the translation of that than i am to listen to this song slowly begin to think about starting 2 minutes in junnnnjunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

welp i'm skipping the final 2 songs. and it sucks because i'm cutting out 14+ minutes of effort that these guys spent months listening to. i am slowly understanding now why i stopped listening to sludge and stopped going to sludge blogs. i looked up a review on this band and found this

"Who doesn't know Omega Massif? The band was created in 2006 and they quickly seized the attention and interest of listeners only with two records, their demo "Kalt" and their full length "Geisterstadt", both recordings sounds dope"

so yeah i guess sludge blogs are doing just fine with out me.